Vexing Texts
by happy international women day
Summary: You never know what you'll get when it's Sherlock Holmes on the phone. Of course, this consulting detective only texts, so that's what John receives - whether it's a minor request or a dangerous warning. No pairing, just the BRO-TP we know and love.
1. Help!

A/N: Yes, I'm aware that I have four unfinished stories going, but I had this near completed and wanted to share it! This fic is almost completely texting, with the occasional section of actual events. It's not much, but I hope you enjoy! Review please!

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><p><em>-John! Come quick, I need backup. I appear to be in a rather tight spot. SH<em>

_-Lemme guess: u tripped over the sofa again. Sherlock we've had it 4 a year now, u know. When r u going 2 stop deleting that? Besides, I'm at the surgery, so forget it. JW_

_-Wrong and wrong. I did NOT 'trip over the sofa' as you say so ignorantly. And now I could really use some help, John! S_

_-Wait, what? Sherlock, r u ok? You never forget to sign ur name with both initials! Omg are u actually in trouble? JW_

_-Sherlock? JW_

_-SHERLCK? JW_

_-You could at least spell my name right. For God's sake, John, what do they teach in these schools? SH_

_-U were in trouble...?! JW_

_-Ah, yes. And it's getting worse, so would you tell the cab driver to drive faster, perhaps? I didn't finish typing my message because I'm being mobbed. They made my finger slip and press send early. SH_

_-Sherlock I said before, i'm at the surgery. i could lose my job! Ask greg to come pick u up. JW_

_-Come anyway. If Lestrade shows up, he'll bring Anderson. I don't want that imbecile around! At least I'm not at the flat... He always disrupts my experiments. SH_

_-sherlock: where r u? I'm going 2 send greg. JW_

_-I'm being followed. SH_

_-moriarty? JW_

_-Worse. Do hurry. SH_

_-Fine, i'm coming! just tell me a bloody address! JW_

_-Outside St Barts. You'll see them as soon as you get there, it's not exactly hard to spot. SH_

_-what's going on? i'm on my way + i brought my gun. JW_

_-Good. SH_

_-good?! Sherlock, if it's that bad call the police!1 JW_

_-There's so many─ John, I'm going to have to stop texting you soon. SH_

_-so many of wat? animals? vegetables? minerals? JW_

_-I'm being mobbed- SH_

_-Didn't u call greg?! JW_

_-They're already here. It's not helping. SH_

_-what? If this is a joke i'm going to kill u Sherlock. I mean it! JW_

_-They're just laughing at me. Actually, it's mostly Anderson. That idiotic waste of oxygen- SH_

_-WHY AARE THEY L;AUGHING AT U? JW_

_-It's like someone cloned Kitty Riley. They're everywhere. They've all got the hat. I can't breathe! SH_

_-Sherlock-are-u-freaking-kidding-me?! JW_

_-John? Why aren't you here yet? SH_

_-was it something I said? SH_

_-Because I'm in serious trouble here, didn't you hear me? SH_

_-John? SH_

_-You can't leave me here. SH_

_-John! SH_

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><p><span>1 hour later:<span>

John had just recovered from a severe laughing fit (crying with mirth, the whole shebang) caused by the realization of Sherlock's predicament when his flatmate returned that evening. The good doctor was busy updating his blog and texting Greg about the hilarious episode, when Sherlock cleared his throat and thirty excited young fangirls, carrying pens and scraps of paper for their obsession to autograph, voiced a collective gasp upon hearing his most recent utterance. _There were no words_, thought John.

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><p><strong>AN: I'm not sure if this will be a one-shot, or a multi-chapter fic... I think it depends on two things: whether I think of more ideas, and whether anyone reads this. If anyone seems to like this, I'll have more of an incentive to keep going. So I'm not holding the fic hostage for reviews, but it would be nice to know if people are liking it so far! Thanks!**


	2. Date

**A/N: Here we are, chapter two. Eventually I'll stop writing Harry Potter stuff and go back to my Sherlock stuff, but now isn't that time. Sorry! Meanwhile, enjoy this short second installment in my texting series. (I feel like the shipboard computer in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy saying "Enjoy this light music." Then Ford turns off the light music. :P)**

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><p><em>-Hi Sherlock, I'm guessing ur at home, just saying I've got a date after work so watch u don't blow anything up, hear me?! I don't want 2 come home to a disaster area in case she wants to go to 'my place.' JW<em>

_-Your deduction is correct. Not much of a challenge, seeing as Gavin hasn't brought me a case in God knows how long, and I'm about ready to shoot something. But don't bother me with your trivial outing itineraries, John. Your grasp of popular culture is pitiful, by the way. SH_

_-Look who's talking! the man who thinks Britain's got talent is nothing more than an "unlikely phrase". JW_

_-That was months ago. You said you wouldn't bring it up. Besides, I must have deleted it previous to the case. SH_

_-Uh huh. ;-) JW_

_-Please do not use punctuation faces at me! How many times do I have to tell you? SH_

_-Not listening. Theyre called emojis, and I like them. JW_

_-Ugh. Well then, what exactly should I not do to keep the flat presentable, other than "blow anything up"? Your words, not mine. SH_

_-John? SH_

_-(composing a master list, since there are SO many things you could do, its scary.) JW_

_-Well? It's been ten minutes, John. SH_

_-Are you going to show me the list, or should I go back to the pig? Last chance. SH_

_-that is exactly what i'm talking about... JW_

_-NO: fires, weird animals, knives + other weapons, BLOOD (none Sherlock!), people parts in the kitchen (or anywhere really), marks on the sofa from fights, lab equipment out, skull things, stuff from cases strewn everywhere, and things in MY room. None got it?! JW_

_-Read the list. You're very specific, John. SH_

_-Yep. And ur gonna listen to it this time! Not like what happened with louise. That was awful. JW_

_-Maybe you should pick a mate who will be less selective about her partner's environment. Just a thought. SH_

_-I really don't think anyone would be ok with our living environment, sherlock! JW_

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><p><strong>Reviews are always appreciated! Even very short ones will do. :)<strong>


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